"Does his parents know about this? Do you know why his drug addiction has got worse over the last few months?"
Ryan's family are aware of his addiction. The person I see who never really stop trying to make something happen, is his mother.
It is really sad to see his mother. It seems like she did not what to do. Or maybe she had plans, but did not quite sure how to proceed with it. It is not easy to help an addict to recover. Each time I look at her, I only see frustration and sadness on her face. She is, exhausted.
I think before his mother met me, she did not know how to help Ryan. She thought Ryan would get tired of getting caught and eventually give up his addiction on his own.
The way I approached Ryan's addiction is quite different. I tried to understand Ryan, and his family background, and the friends he hung out with. But the most important thing was to understand Ryan's feelings. Because I believe the way he felt, and the way he thought, were the things we needed to fix first before he could understand what he was doing would not do any good to him.
I have been with him for 10 months now. And I can see there are a lot of progress happened. I am actually quite happy with that. Because I know his addiction has been going on for like 10 years, so for him to improve a lot in less than 12 months is quite an achievement. And it makes me feel I am doing the right thing.
I work well with his mother in helping him to kick the addiction and recover. The tough part is to get his mother to understand about drugs and how it affects the body and brain. It is really hard to make her understand when she thinks she knows everything. For example, when I told her that Post Acute Withdrawals Syndrome can lasts from few weeks to few years, his mother could not take it. She said that is too long and she believes Ryan could get well in a week or two, which I know is not true. There were times when I explained to her the difference between meth and heroin, I could see his mother could not process new information.
However I see things are better now. Ryan's mother is now softer and more gentle towards him, and look more hopeful and patient. It is important to create positive energy around the person who is in recovery phase, and I am glad Ryan chose to try to understand his mother too.
Ryan is now back staying with his mother - the best place for him.
Who am I to dream of a knight in shining armour with muscular body and heavy gold coins bags?
Mother said my imperfections does not mean I should settle for less.
My aunt said there are many other fishes in the sea.
What they said are true.
What I feel is true too.
What I feel is love.
When I first met Ryan, it was only three months since he left the drug rehabilitation centre. He was looking for a job. He said he wanted to start to a different life, but he did not know where to begin. I looked at him and thought how much he had missed out from ten years of addiction.
Drug addiction is not a new world for me. I grew up having an uncle suffering from addiction for 30 years. The only thing I learnt from years of stories about my uncle was drug is dangerous, that's it. I knew nothing about drugs. I do not think anyone from my family knows about it too.
Ryan and I - there was an intense attraction between us. We spent hundreds of hours together going for castings and preparing his portfolio the first week we knew each other. Still it was hard to say goodbye each end of days. The uncontrollable urge to be with each other all the time made us a couple in less than a week.
When I thought he was clean, he was detained by police just three weeks after we got together. How did I missed that?
So the lesson of drug addiction and its lifestyle began.
Technically Ryan was not totally clean. He was a passive heroin user. He was not addicted yet at that time. Being an occasional user, he was able to spend all the time with me while hiding the ugly truth.
I use the term "occasional user" and "passive user" because addiction is not instant. When you first start using, you can go on for weeks with no withdrawal effects. It does not take long after that for you to get the sick feeling in the morning and craving for more drugs. This is when you are addicted. And then only you are labelled as a drug addict.
Now can a drug addict has a relationship? Does a drug addict has the capacity to receive, and believe? Does he really loves me?
I came across this kind of questions in many drug addiction forums. I know there are a lot of people searching for the answer if drug users are capable to return their feelings of love and care.
There is no a straight answer for this, really. I believe it depends on the type of drugs and how heavy is the usage - if the person is addicted, or just an occasional user when the relationship begins.
There are a lot of websites explaining all types of drugs and what they do to the body and brain of the users, in details. The quantity of usage, however, is for you to find out.
So does Ryan really loves me?
Since he was a passive user when we got to know each other, he was still capable to have the feeling of needing and be needed - or, loving and be loved. He was capable to acknowledge the value of attachment and commitment. He was capable of being high in infatuation.
I do not think he fell in love with me within the first four weeks. The tough journey of understanding and accepting his addiction lifestyle, and many episodes of forgiving and giving another chance after chance, made him fell in love with me. That - was what he told me.
Even though he managed to develop an intense infatuation for me in the early stage, he was not drunk in love when he finally fell in love with me - because he already started being addicted to drugs by then. Still, drug addicts are able to love. It is just that they do not fall head over heels for their partners. Not madly in love that they will sacrifice everything. They cannot.
Loving Ryan without condition is loving him when he is high and sober.
Loving him when he chooses to run to the dealer over me.
Loving him when he continues to make promises and break them.
Would you continue your relationship if you found out your boyfriend was a drug addict?
Well, I am not perfect either. I look pretty normal, like any other young lady - healthy and independent. I work, I drive, I look after my niece - but I am not like any other young lady. I was not the same as any other kid when I was young.
I was not a healthy kid. After one year of struggles, with confusion and tears of why I couldn't run as fast as my friends, or why my body did not lifted up in the air when I jumped, I was finally diagnosed with Dermatomyositis at the age of 7.
That was 26 years ago. It has been a tough journey.
When I was 15 years old, the diagnosis changed to Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (MCTD). Not long after that, my medical notes grew thicker with records of major depression.
I know I look normal and healthy today. I know I do not feel normal and healthy. But who knows?
After 26 years suffering with many illnesses, you don't go around and tell people you are not well. You stopped being a burden. You pushed away the limitation put on you. You just want to be seen and treated like a normal person, even though deep inside you are not.
You keep the pain and sadness deep inside you. You stopped sharing. It made people stopped to understand you. It made people treat you like any other human being, without any idea you were suffering inside. You started to hate people because you thought they did not understand. But you are consumed by ego so high, you never let people see what is eating you inside.
Mother wants me to find a good reliable man who can look after me. As far as I remember, none of my former boyfriends were chosen by me - they came into my life without notice. Finding a husband is not like picking a dress in the mall - which you can choose and try, before make a decision. I am not a celebrity to have a catalog of men to choose from. Knowing myself, I am thankful enough if there was a man willing to take the bumpy ride with me - at least, he was giving a try.
Ryan is not a perfect man. He is not reliable as any other chronic drug user.
He is always late - but he never cancels.
He spends all his money on drugs - but he always bring chocolates for me.
He falls asleep in the middle of conversation - but he never wants to sleep when he is with me.
He rarely texts me - but when he does, he tells me he loves and misses me.
He holds my hand, all the time.
He treats me as gentle as he can.
He tells me I am beautiful.
He always has hard time of saying goodbye to me.
He hug, kiss and tells me he loves me each time he has to go.
- in which none of these ever happened with any of my former boyfriends.
I am not perfect either. Ryan accepts me as who I am. Who am I to dream of a knight in shining armour with muscular body and heavy gold coins bags?
I wish I had the strength to watch it for the second time.
The first time I watched it I was lying down and the minute it showed Ben driving with sunglasses on - I quickly got up. Ben looked exactly like my boyfriend for a second or two. That shape of sunglasses and his sunken cheeks exhibit similarities to my loved one. Oh how much I miss my Ryan!
Ryan, my boyfriend - we met for the first time in March 2014 after exchanging messages for a month. On our first meet up, he was not prepared either to reveal details of his past nor to hear what I could tell just by looking at him. At one point he even stopped eating with his mouth opened - shocked to hear me talking like a psychic.
I guessed all correct about him. His crew cut hair gave him away; and I told him it is okay.
Matthew Hussey said, if the guy we first met trying to bridge the physical gap between us, that was the sign he was interested. When Ryan came back from the restroom and pulled the chair next to me instead of the chair he was sitting earlier which was in front of me, I knew taking a picture was just an excuse for him to sit closer to me. I still remember how euphoric I felt at that time. I liked him and I could not believe he felt the same about me just within few hours we met!
I had countless boyfriends before Ryan. Attracting men has never been a problem to me, to keep one is. I knew I never felt true love before, if there was one - it should not be so painful. With Ryan, everything feels so smooth, everything happens effortlessly. Things look beautiful when he is around, and I feel beautiful when I am with him. After all, I am in love.
The last time I saw Ryan was 32 days ago. The last time I spoke to him was 28 days ago. I was afraid I might losing this feeling for him. I will not lie to myself if somehow I do not feel the same for him after not seeing him for more than a month. I desire for true love, and this is the test to see whether I have found it or not.
I am still missing him. I whisper the phrase "I love you" many times a day imagining Ryan smiling to me. Another two days and I will be able to see him again. It would be tough as I do not think there would be a chance to hug him, but I definitely looking forward to kiss his forehead and tell him I love him.
It is easy to blame ourselves when something did not go well. It is easier when there is someone else to be blamed for. But sometimes, there is no one to be blamed for.
Would you continue your relationship if you found out your boyfriend was a drug addict?
"Enabling" is the word most used among friends and family of a drug addict. In order to help a drug addict to stop taking drugs and turn his life over, family and friends are advised not to be an enabler. Stop providing to let the addict hits rock bottom with the hope that difficulties will make him stop destroying himself. And money, is one way of enabling.
What happen when you stop giving money?
Matthew Hussey said break up is painful. The body and brain works like an addict out of drugs. We cannot sleep or eat. We cannot function and fall into depression. I believe it works the other way round too, it's how an addict feels in withdrawal - the pain, the depression, the fatigue.
Without money, it is true that an addict will not be able to purchase any drugs. Do you think he will lock himself out until he recovers? Do you think it will come to his mind that this is the end of the road and he needs to get up being normal the next day?
Drug addicts will use any endeavour to get the next fix. They will steal, rob, snatch. And girls - they spread their legs just to get the next high.
What is the lowest point of life anyway?
When I was admitted to the psychiatric ward about 10 years ago, I could not believe I was there, surrounded by mentally ill women - and I was one of them. It made me think of who I was before I ended up on the bed without curtain, and bathroom without a lock. It made me realized being there puts me in the lowest level of society, where people did not take me seriously. Even if I was to commit a crime.
That was the lowest point of my life. I could not living a life in which I was not significant to anyone. And I do not think it is the same to everyone. Homeless could be the lowest point to you, while being a hooker could be the lowest point to her.
What is the lowest point of life for a drug addict?
Once I read, a lady gave up her addiction because she missed her children. The pain of not having her children especially on Christmas was something she could not endured longer. That was her rock bottom.
Sometimes it is not money. Some people can live on the streets. Some people can live by stealing.
Watching your loved one killing himself slowly by inhaling or injecting drugs is indescribable. You feel pain, sadness and frustration. You keep asking yourself, what else can I do?
Like Ben's mother, I rather having my boyfriend in my home than letting him staying with his friends. I rather give him money than thinking of him stealing or selling drugs. I rather be an enabler - but I was not able to do that. I took all the pain watching him sleeping in different houses every night. I made him sleep in my car whenever I had the chance. I gave him money only when I could not say no to him. I wish I could do more than that. I wish we could be married so that I can keep an eye on him every day, every hour at home.
Ben reminds me of my boyfriend. Both were sick of addiction, but hardly had enough strength to go through the "break up". They did not missed the high, they just could not take the pain of withdrawal. And we are not talking about physical withdrawal - it was the mental withdrawal the hardest to kick.
Here, is the video of Ben:
I wish I had the strength to watch it for the second time.
And I always tell myself, if I ever got married, let the reason be love.
"I marry him because I love him."
I do love him. It seems I have the answer to his mother's proposal. I wish it was that easy.
My aunt told me, any parents would love their daughters to walk out from their homes for better lives. "Better" in their definitions.
Marrying him would make me feel loved and cared of - which is my version of definition. But how could I tell that to my parents? They will get upset to know that I have always feel less loved and cared when I am living with them.
Can love guarantees a better life?
My aunt told me, from Dior I changed to Bobbi Brown. And now I am using Revlon. If I am marrying him now, in no time I possibly end up not wearing any makeup for some time.
Can money really guarantees a better life?
Well I guess there is no option here. You must have both love and money for a better life. And if that is the case, then either I have to work my ass off to boost my sales, or he has to work his ass off to earn more money. Of course my parents would be happy if he had more money.
But one thing my parents do not know. Money is the reason of him being penniless now. Or specifically; jobless.