Keeping One

I wish I had the strength to watch it for the second time.

The first time I watched it I was lying down and the minute it showed Ben driving with sunglasses on - I quickly got up. Ben looked exactly like my boyfriend for a second or two. That shape of sunglasses and his sunken cheeks exhibit similarities to my loved one. Oh how much I miss my Ryan!

Ryan, my boyfriend - we met for the first time in March 2014 after exchanging messages for a month. On our first meet up, he was not prepared either to reveal details of his past nor to hear what I could tell just by looking at him. At one point he even stopped eating with his mouth opened - shocked to hear me talking like a psychic.

I guessed all correct about him. His crew cut hair gave him away; and I told him it is okay.

Matthew Hussey said, if the guy we first met trying to bridge the physical gap between us, that was the sign he was interested. When Ryan came back from the restroom and pulled the chair next to me instead of the chair he was sitting earlier which was in front of me, I knew taking a picture was just an excuse for him to sit closer to me. I still remember how euphoric I felt at that time. I liked him and I could not believe he felt the same about me just within few hours we met!

I had countless boyfriends before Ryan. Attracting men has never been a problem to me, to keep one is. I knew I never felt true love before, if there was one - it should not be so painful. With Ryan, everything feels so smooth, everything happens effortlessly. Things look beautiful when he is around, and I feel beautiful when I am with him. After all, I am in love.

The last time I saw Ryan was 32 days ago. The last time I spoke to him was 28 days ago. I was afraid I might losing this feeling for him. I will not lie to myself if somehow I do not feel the same for him after not seeing him for more than a month. I desire for true love, and this is the test to see whether I have found it or not.

I am still missing him. I whisper the phrase "I love you" many times a day imagining Ryan smiling to me. Another two days and I will be able to see him again. It would be tough as I do not think there would be a chance to hug him, but I definitely looking forward to kiss his forehead and tell him I love him.

It is easy to blame ourselves when something did not go well. It is easier when there is someone else to be blamed for. But sometimes, there is no one to be blamed for.

Would you continue your relationship if you found out your boyfriend was a drug addict?