Ugly Truth

Who am I to dream of a knight in shining armour with muscular body and heavy gold coins bags?

Mother said my imperfections does not mean I should settle for less.

My aunt said there are many other fishes in the sea.

What they said are true.

What I feel is true too.

What I feel is love.

When I first met Ryan, it was only three months since he left the drug rehabilitation centre. He was looking for a job. He said he wanted to start to a different life, but he did not know where to begin. I looked at him and thought how much he had missed out from ten years of addiction.

Drug addiction is not a new world for me. I grew up having an uncle suffering from addiction for 30 years. The only thing I learnt from years of stories about my uncle was drug is dangerous, that's it. I knew nothing about drugs. I do not think anyone from my family knows about it too.

Ryan and I - there was an intense attraction between us. We spent hundreds of hours together going for castings and preparing his portfolio the first week we knew each other. Still it was hard to say goodbye each end of days. The uncontrollable urge to be with each other all the time made us a couple in less than a week.

When I thought he was clean, he was detained by police just three weeks after we got together. How did I missed that?

So the lesson of drug addiction and its lifestyle began.

Technically Ryan was not totally clean. He was a passive heroin user. He was not addicted yet at that time. Being an occasional user, he was able to spend all the time with me while hiding the ugly truth.

I use the term "occasional user" and "passive user" because addiction is not instant. When you first start using, you can go on for weeks with no withdrawal effects. It does not take long after that for you to get the sick feeling in the morning and craving for more drugs. This is when you are addicted. And then only you are labelled as a drug addict.

Now can a drug addict has a relationship? Does a drug addict has the capacity to receive, and believe? Does he really loves me?

I came across this kind of questions in many drug addiction forums. I know there are a lot of people searching for the answer if drug users are capable to return their feelings of love and care.

There is no a straight answer for this, really. I believe it depends on the type of drugs and how heavy is the usage - if the person is addicted, or just an occasional user when the relationship begins.

There are a lot of websites explaining all types of drugs and what they do to the body and brain of the users, in details. The quantity of usage, however, is for you to find out.

So does Ryan really loves me?

Since he was a passive user when we got to know each other, he was still capable to have the feeling of needing and be needed - or, loving and be loved. He was capable to acknowledge the value of attachment and commitment. He was capable of being high in infatuation.

I do not think he fell in love with me within the first four weeks. The tough journey of understanding and accepting his addiction lifestyle, and many episodes of forgiving and giving another chance after chance, made him fell in love with me. That - was what he told me.

Even though he managed to develop an intense infatuation for me in the early stage, he was not drunk in love when he finally fell in love with me - because he already started being addicted to drugs by then. Still, drug addicts are able to love. It is just that they do not fall head over heels for their partners. Not madly in love that they will sacrifice everything. They cannot.

Loving Ryan without condition is loving him when he is high and sober.

Loving him when he chooses to run to the dealer over me.

Loving him when he continues to make promises and break them.

Loving him, without condition.

And he returns my love without condition too.